Sentences I Never Thought I Would Say...

... and then I had a baby:

1. "No! Take that screwdriver/pizza slicer/iPhone charger out of you mouth! N.O.W.

This - despite how crazy it may sound - and not to mention like a case of child endangerment - seems to happen rather frequently...

2. "I'm sorry, I have to miss that launch-party/fashion show/cocktail party because I don't have a babysitter."

Whaaaat?! I never realized how bananas crazy difficult it is to trust other people with your precious baby. Like I draw the line at grandparents and aunts and uncles. For now anyway. Now send me an invite to Paris Fashion Week and I might let the dogs in the street or even the mail-man have a go at babysitting and be on the first flight out. Maybe...

3. "If you could just tell me the policy number on our car insurance and... NO! Oh my God. If you take one step closer, Mummy will put you on the bold step until next spring!"

My poor insurance lady had to be explained why this Mummy had such a major freak-out mid phone conversation, but seemed to totally get where I was coming from when I explained that my toddler was approaching a 300 euro Missoni throw with a black marker...

4. "If we have the early bird menu we can be home to put her to bed in time..."

There is no excuse. We are young and hip and cool - at least we desperately try to be - and early bird menus are the utter opposite of all the before-mentioned. It was a slip, I will not utter that sentence again, or in fact order from an early bird menu again - at least not till I have passed retirement age.

5. "Please try and get the stain off! It is definitively red marker. Or maybe it is lipstick? I wonder could she have gotten it from my bag? Or - does it smell like ketchup?? It is not nail varnish, is it??"

Rick Owens leather jacket. Toddler. Big red mark. I cried as I ran into the dry cleaners, I swear they must either think I am a total nut-job in there - or that my child has 666 stapled to the back of her head I am in there that often.

Motherhood - it not only rocks your world like nothing else, it even expands your vocabulary!